Nebraska Change Agent
' I am entirely certain that twenty years from now we will look back at education as it is practiced in most schools today and wonder how we could have tolerated anything so primitive.' John W Gardner
We Need to Talk About This!
It is no secret that I spend a lot of time online. I teach and develop online courses so a lot of my day requires I have an online presence. I also enjoy tinkering around with different digital tools which means spending time online. I enjoy browsing different websites just because I can. I like to look at clothing, travel, and cooking sites. (Ten years ago I would have been spending this time doing this same thing, but with a magazine.) I also enjoy spending time on Facebook and Twitter. Contrary to popular belief I do not actually live online, but I do spend a considerable amount of time here. Most of the time it is for work, but some of the time it is for pleasure.
In February 2009 my husband gave me a Blackberry for Valentine’s Day. In hindsight he will tell you it was the biggest mistake he ever made because it allowed me to turn my laptop off yet remain connected. He hated me being so connected, but I loved it.
I often read posts that talk about the importance of maintaining balance. In fact, I have written about that on at least two occasions in the past. But this post is not about balance. Looming in the background of many of those posts are thoughts that are never publicly shared because they are so personal. We never discuss the impact that our online friendships have had on our relationships with our spouses or significant. This topic is still taboo because it is so personal.
Over the last two years I have had conversations with a handful of close friends who are either in marriages or serious relationships that have suffered because of the friendships they have formed online. Technology has changed the way in which we communicate and interact. It has forever changed who we call our friends and colleagues.
When those who love us the most see us developing trusting friendships with people we might only know online, it can be scary for them. There are still so many who do not believe that true friendships can exist online. It has been extremely difficult for me to convince my husband that the friends in my personal learning network are really friends and not just random people I know online. My husband is so supportive, but it isn’t always easy for him since so many of my friends are people he doesn’t know.
I don’t want people leaving personal stories here about their experiences with this topic. This is a very sensitive topic and it needs to be treated in a delicate manner. If you can relate to this topic and you have a desire to talk about it let me know. If there is enough interest I would like to get a small group of us together during ISTE to discuss different strategies we have used to make life easier on our loved ones. This might be a discussion that is had over a cup of coffee, not at the convention center in front of everyone. If you don’t want to put a public reply on here then send me an email or DM to let me know you’d like to be part of the conversation. It isn’t something that is easy to talk about, but it is something that I think we need to talk about!
9 Responses to “We Need to Talk About This!”
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June 17th, 2011 at 8:52 p
I applaud your blog post and bringing this out into the open.
But I cringe a bit at your suggestion about the small group at ISTE…..because I wonder if you are “discussing different stragegies to make their life easier” or taking the time to consider that they might indeed be correct.
I have yet to meet your husband…but have gotten glimpses of him through your tweets and a few blog posts. And what comes through strongly is the fact that he loves you greatly and that YOU are his best friend!
And I think we need to listen to our best friends because what they are saying just might make sense.
You and I — and so many we know online — are so immersed in this “twitterverse” that often our vision becomes clouded and we don’t listen to reason, as much as we should. Many of us — even show signs of addiction — and in that case, we really won’t listen to reason.
If you are going to have this group at ISTE — I would urge you to invite spouses/significant others/etc to join into the conversation.
There are 2 sides to each conversation, and in this case, I don’t think the conversation should be about “discuss different strategies we have used to make life easier on our loved ones” but listening instead to “why they just might be justified in their concerns.”
Hugs
Jennifer
June 17th, 2011 at 9:36 p
Jen-
Thank you for your comment. This will be the one chance this year where I will get to visit face-to-face with other people who have found they are facing the same problems I am. Based on the number of people who have messaged me there are lots of people looking for ways to overcome the tension. While I value what my husband has to say I want to hear what others have to say as well. There are two sides to the conversation, but for right now I want to limit this conversation to just the people at ISTE. Personally, I think the conversations with the spouses/significant others need to happen in private. Again, this isn’t about the time/balance/addiction issue. It is about the changing nature of relationships and how these changes have negatively impacted our personal relationships. I want to talk to people about what has and hasn’t worked for them. My guess is the conversation will naturally evolve into a discussion about the justification of our spouses/significant others feelings. I don’t mean to discount what they are feeling. They are (or at least should be) the most important people in our lives. The purpose of this conversation is allow people to talk who need to visit with others who get what they are going through. Not all people have this issue, but lots of us do.
June 17th, 2011 at 9:46 p
Beth —
I do think it is a VERY good conversation to have……I just urge you (and I believe you understand) that it can’t be a “let’s prove to them they are wrong”…..
I don’t think you will let that happen…..which is a good thing.
It is a puzzlement to me that often I feel more close to people I see once a year — or have never met — and would run to them first….than I do to people I come in contact F2F with each day – those who I claim a friendship with. I am not married, nor have a significant other — and it does seem silly to mention, but I do neglect my pet at times for online opportunities and I KNOW without a doubt, that I was putting my relationship with GOD in second, third, even less place. I would spend hours playing Angry Birds/Words With Friends, or talking on twitter, or commenting on blogs, etc….and then say “I have no time for my Bible Study.”
The conversation you are offering, the listening and sharing opportunities you are offering are valuable and in no way am I saying “don’t have them.”
I, personally, am just struggling with the thought of perhaps “they — our friends/significant others/spouses” might be correct that we are online too much.
Wish I was there to listen in.
Jen
June 17th, 2011 at 10:11 p
It’s funny you mentioned “let’s prove them wrong” because that is why I struggled so much with opening this conversation up to a wider group. I don’t want it to take on that tone. One of the things I have never said openly online (because it has never been relevant) is that I have little patience for people who find the need to constantly complain about their spouse. What I have found surprisingly refreshing are the conversations I have had with the people I am friends with online. Not one time has it turned into a complaint session about their husband/wife/significant other. In face-to-face conversations with local friends just the opposite is the norm.
I have talked with at least a dozen people regarding how their online friendships have made their spouse feel a little anxious. In almost every case there is an obvious sigh of relief when they realize they are not the only ones having the “well I guess if I want your attention I will have to tweet you” conversation. Again—I don’t want this conversation to focus on the spent online. As a group we have had that conversation over and over and over. This needs to be different. It should be about how to help our spouses understand that many of the best friends we have ever had are now online. This is something that is almost impossible for many to understand. How can we be friends with people we only see maybe once a year or maybe never at all? THAT is what I want the conversation to be about.
June 17th, 2011 at 10:17 p
My wife refers to the people I know online as my “imaginary friends.” I’m not sure whether she’s saying the people are imaginary or just my friendships with them, but as all of our lives have gotten busier I spend more time with my online friends than my local ones.
Yes, this is a conversation we need to have.
June 25th, 2011 at 1:23 p
Beth,
I really think this topic is worth opening up to the masses.
I think that there are several angles that do need to be explored. For example the stigma that still lingers when introducing someone “We met online”… There is still a negative connotation…
I think It would also be interesting to explore our need for Face 2 Face interaction with some of the people we met online (how else do explain all the tweet ups etc.)… the evolution from Professional Learning Network to Personal Learning Network…. We are still very human… and still crave the live action.
After all, there are several degrees of friendships, and I often wonder if this is a “new category” of friends, or if they’ll end up “fitting” in one of my pre-existing category.
I can absolutely relate to the “unease” felt by the spouse because of the unknown factor, but as I pointed out to my hubby it is the same in the “Real world”, when you don’t have a “fusion” couple, and you have people who pursue and enjoy different interests.
What it boils down to is how we communicate with our spouses and close ones, and how we explain to them and share with them what we get out of these new relationships formed in this context. Seems to me the key is communication.
June 26th, 2011 at 2:25 p
I think this is a really important topic. Sometimes I think I am on the other side of the discussion because I often avoid getting online or twittering just because it would offend my husband. What important online friendships and learning am I missing because I am not keeping up with Facebook, Twitter, etc…
July 11th, 2011 at 2:30 p
Wow, this is all very scary to me. Have people asked themselves why they are so addicted to online communication? I mean really dig down and figure out what personal needs are being met through all of this? I am so disgusted with people who need to be connected every day and even feel they need to pull out their blackberry when they are with you. I wonder if “My PLN” and “my important friendships” are an excuse for something else. I get really scared when I hear people say that their online friendships are stronger than offline. I think it is all very self absorbed and it lacks the discipline needed to live a balanced life.
July 12th, 2011 at 7:09 p
Beth-you bring up some great points and I’m glad you are also recognizing that it can become a personal thing.
Janice- I often feel the same way that I am neglecting my online friends. Finding that balance is hard!